Sunday, November 16, 2008


FOR your practice...



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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Terrorist Resume

Read it HERE

Misfit Manifestos...

The title is self explanatory we suppose.... but yea, few of them are somewhat funny....

Wildlife secy

1. Will try to improve market conditions, and make them bullish
2. Will ensure healthy cat fights in all inter-hostel events
3. Will try to maintain constant supply of bitches using internal and external resources.
4. Will promote PC hibernation as a means of saving energy.
5. Will ensure transparency in fishy situations in hostel.

Insti Placement Nominee

1. Ensure increased placement of tum tum stops
2. Carry out groundwork and other jobs for football fields.
3. Will spread awareness about PowerPoint 2007 for better PPTs
4. Will resume verification of mess bill from October.
5. Will reward every IITian who brings “his” company with a good package.

Insti Mountaineering Secy

1. Will conduct regular mounting workshops for IIT guys, to help them scale any visible mountain.
2. Will ensure monthly movie shows (Star Trek, Brokeback Mountain)
3. Will hold valley crossing workshops for big and small mountains.
4. Will try to provide plastic and rubber mountains for practice
5. Will provide people with various advanced mountaineering equipment like handcuffs, whips, etc for adventure sports

Web & Alumni secy

1. Will ensure regular cleaning of webs in all rooms
2. Will develop a site in the hostel for site-seeing
3. Will replace all wooden doors by aluminium doors
4. Will raise funds by selling alumni ores from the hostel
5. Will ensure good Vodafone network at all places in hostel

Generaal Secy of Hostel Affairs

1. Will have a fair with all hostels
2. Will call people from outside to increase the number of affairs in hostel
3. Will charge a fare for all affairs
4. Will increase fairness by promoting fair and lovely things
5. Will promote bleaching powder to ensure uniform fairness

Mess secy

1. Will try to clean up the mess in all hostel rooms
2. Will encourage messy sports like tomato fest, mudfight, etc etc
3. Will put up posters of lionel messi everywhere
4. Will use left over chicken as mess-engers to send IM to all
5. Will try to mess around with all chicks entering hoste

Top TEN VALFI Questions

10) yaar ek baat bata, tu itna chootiya kyoon hai??

9) Tu apne second year ke MA ke prof ke bare main kya sochta hai?

8) abbe, tere paas extra valfi coupon hai kya?

7) abbe, tereko daaru maarke chadti kyon hai?

6) abbey teri CPI kitni hai?

5) abbey tune woh HSS assignment khatam kiya kya?

4) abbey us raat ko kya hua detail main bata...

3) tujhe insti main sabse achha kaun lagta hai aur kyun?

2) tera Indian Nuclear Deal ke bare main kya opinion hai?

1) yaar...tu phir se bata...tu itna CHOOTIYA KYUN HAI????????

top TEN occupations of INDIANS who go abroad

10) Taxi Driver

9) petrol bunk assistant

8) third in line to head movie usher

7) lehman Brothers consultant

6) Sperm bank donor

5) terror attack suspect

4) window shoppers of dollar one stores

3) gatekeeper

2) intern

1) gulti

top TEN reasons to join INFOSYS

10) You are ONE in a MILLION afterall

9) Your FAT PAY PACKAGE will ensure a grand wedding of your sister in zhopda community hall

8) Your dowry will be 1 Lac, 100 times your salary

7) So that you can make it to the top B schools like Bhiwandi institute of management, Bhayendar school of business

6) You get to go to exotic locations like 80 kms east of pune, 100 kms north of Bangalore, 30 kms west of cochin

5) You get special loans to be admitted into TIME, IMS,etc etc

4) Your bedroom, kitchen, bathroom are your regular working places

3) Job benefits include free transport in ST bus from your costly mansion in outer thane with 1 bedroom, 1 hall, 1 kitchen and a sum total of 1 room

2) Because symby se infy log infy jaake delta kamate hain

1) So that you can boast in front of your successful friends in TCS, wipro, lehman brothers, etc

Top TEN reasons to join TELCA

10) To overcome stage fright by singing benny lava and trying to imitate the supporting dancers

9) Awesome camprint movie shows in LT with a packed audience which cannot be counted due to bad light

8) Good traditional food which floats in krishnaRA oilRA, with accompanied slurps and burps of all members

7) The average age of all student club members is 56

6) Get to attend theatrics workshops by rhajhinhikhanthh, Chirhanjheevhi, ehtch

5) If your name has less than 48 characters, then you get a new nickname

4) Shakeela, preeyamvadha, rajhinigandha.........

3) for we are (in) IITB – incredibly intolerable total bafoons

2) telghu ma languaghe ra

1) yenna RA, jaiin ra, rascala.....

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

…..and so my grandmother is on orkut!!!!

So my grandmother is on Orkut. She's 95 and she's there for activity partners and dating (men). Her birthday is 3rd September, 1920, coz that's the oldest you can get on orkut, but to be frank she doesn't look a day over 92

She says she's widowed with 5 children, which is strange as my grandfather is alive and has only 2 (according to his Facebook records). She switched to Scientology after Tom Cruise took it up (she's a big fan you know). She still thinks that the Kauravas and Pandavas are the only two political parties in the world. She drinks occasionally, and has a cigar every now and then. She has a blog, . You can always get her on her yahoo messenger id, .

Going into her personal page on her profile, you'll find that the first thing you'll notice about her is her ability to breathe. She has a strategically placed tattoo (it says), which is funny coz I thought pierced ears was the only thing. Her best feature is her eye, not both but just the left one (the right one is blind due to cataract). Her turn ons are candlelight dinners coz that's how she's been having them since her childhood.
Her turn offs are 7pm.

Her orkut stats (lovable, coolness, trustworthy) are 90-60-90 which is surprisingly close to her real life vital stats.

She has around 258 testimonials, all from guys (living or dead). Looking through the one my grandfather wrote her, it says "I loved those rides we had together", which confused me coz I don't think there were any vehicles when they met. I wonder if it was on a horse… or like a horse. She has a testimonial from C.K. Nayadu, the first captain of the Indian cricket team, and M.S. Dhoni, the current captain of the cricket team… and from every other captain in between (she has her standards you know).

So one day my grandmother decided to put up a picture of hers and automatically her friend list halved (just like what happens to girls in IIT), but that was just for a day. The next day it doubled, when she put up a picture of her with her clothes on.

She is a moderator for the Youth For Equality community on Orkut. She was an active campaigner during the reservation issue. Of course, she had thought it was reservation for people above 90 in undergraduate universities.

Recently though, she's been told by some of her friends that its not safe to use orkut. People have used her photos in sites like and And so now my grandmother is on Myspace.

Top TEN reasons to join INSYNC

10. As if your family wasn't big enough, join the biggest family in IIT Bombay

9. You get to dance in UV light where people can't see your ugly face

8. If you sell 3 t-shirts you get a ballroom dance partner (who might
be your roommate)

7. Costume handler counts as a separate official insti level post

6. Even when you're in In Sync, you're not in sync

5. 13 choreos in one paf is 'the usual'

4. Each puch is an 'interpretive dance' which can be understood only
by 'professionals'

3. You can have AIDS over and over again for 2 nights every year

2. Instead of donating to charity, you can use your old clothes for
publicity for the noble cause of AIDS awareness

1. You get to make lots and lots of sisters, from outside as well

Top TEN reasons to join Staccato

10. As if your family isn't small enough, join the smallest family in IIT

9. You get to perform in the darkness in a field somewhere, where
people can't see your ugly face (or hear your disgusting voice)

8. If you sell 3 t-shirts, godgiri ho jaaegi

7. Your music is always appreciated (by your bandmates)

6. Make fun of In Sync and cry yourself to sleep every night because
of low membership and lack of girls

5. Schedule performances during mess time so people in mess can be
claimed to be audience

4. Each puch is 'JAZZ'

3. You're among the 99.99 percentile of IIT population who gives a
damn about Staccato

2. If you remain a member for more than one sem, you become Convenor

1. You get to make lots and lots of brothers (and you end up sleeping
with most of them, one way or the other)

Top TEN reasons to join the SPEAKERS Club

10. Free membership to Insight

9. They give you essential survival skills such as dumb-charades and tinto

8. Its the easiest way to fill up your mailbox with 150 mails each day

7. Free and fair elections to choose the same 4 people for every inter
college competition

6. You get to use mess AFTER mess time!!! (after staccato winds up)

5. They laugh at whatever you say

4. You get to laugh at whatever they say

3. You'd be one of those ultra cool dudes (females included) who hang
out at 'the shack', besides all the freshies and some profs

2. Not club member peoples knowing not correct English speakering

1. Because obviously you can't speak anywhere else

Top TEN reasons to join INSIGHT/AWAAZ

10. Translate articles from one to the other to fill up 'newspaper'

9. Rather than focussing on writing articles, put videos on Lan
dreaming of being the next India TV

8. Ask 3 other Awaaz/Insight people their opinion and put it down as
an extensive survey

7. Take very interesting humourous topics and make them into interesting topics

6. Run a Tehelka-esque expose' into the dirty scandalous race for the
coveted H-7 soc secy post

5. Free membership into Speakers' club (sorry Awaaz)

4. Har shabd (word) angrezi (english) mein to likha (written) hota hai
(is) hi (only), isliye (hence) hindi (hindi) jaan-ne (knowing) ki (of)
zaroorat nahi (no) hai (is)

3. Having extra papers in room is always useful for certain purposes

2. If not a writer you can be the next most important thing, distributor

1. You get to represent the same 3 data points in bar graphs,
histograms, pie charts and tables for the cover page article, thus
boosting your DI skills for cracking CAT

Top TEN reasons to join Mood Indigo

10. To get a job in Deutsche Bank, ITC, BCG....

9. So you can start making money before hitting puberty

8. Its a good excuse to get FFs and FRs

7. It helps if you're thinking of becoming the CM of Maharashtra

6. Logo is a good substitute for your pic on orkut.. for the rest of your life

5. So the babes at mood indigo know you're an IITian (coz of the
badge) and stay away

4. You get to frisk all the hot guys you want

3. You get to hit on the supermodel CG chicks

2. Your budget is only slightly less than Techfest, inspite of
Techfest being 20 years younger

1. So you can think that you're cool

Top TEN reasons to join Techfest

10. Finally a time when outsiders think IITians are cool, but then
again, they think robots are hunks

9. Put up A4 sheets everywhere, print thousands of glossy paper
newsletters, burst over Rs. 10 lakhs worth of firecrackers, and tell
people to 'save' the environment

8. Start your entry at 6.30 and realise that the show is only 15
minutes long, so keep people waiting till 9.30 and fill in the time by
playing rock songs which turn out to be better than the show itself

7. Publicise lectures by world famous scientists and later play
pre-recorded avi clip of lecture given to NIT Suratkal

6. When people realise the pro-show sucks, make firangis dance to
Vande Mataram by A.R. Rahman so people atleast stop booing

5. Hire 'professionals' from mood indigo as security consultants to
control massive pune crowds with dangerous weapons such as robots and

4. So you can find the love of your life over a box of stepper motors

3. Being the biggest technical fest in Asia doesn't stop you from
having the biggest number of technical difficulties in the world.

2. So you know that you're not cool

1. So next year you can have Laser Abhijit Sawant

Top TEN reasons to join E-CELL

10. what?

9. Huh?

8. kya?

7. kyun?

6. daya

5. kya fart hai

4. ditch

3. certi?

2. ok

1. naaa ditch

Friday, September 26, 2008

Ideal Resume

Here it goes

u ready for MBA????

Top TEN reasons to be a student mentor

10) You get special Visiting cards

9) you now have 9 new and only 'friends' who eat what u tell them to, shit when u tell them to and 'of course' never have sex with each other

8) you get extensive coverage in international media like insight, awaaz and freshie welcome brochure

7) You have absolute power to drive any of your children to suicide just for the heck of it

6) 6 votes guaranteed in the election for the next technic chairman

5) because getting motors from lamington road for you is a 'very important' lesson to 'cope up with the stress' in IIT

4) so that you can train people to lead an 'amazing, eventful, victorious, adventerous, crackmax and godgiri' life just like yours

3) obviously its not about the resume point right?

2) since you cannot have any kids of your own

1) so that you can know how michael jackson felt

Course Selection criteria for passing out students..

  1. Slots (not 8.30-10.30, not 2-5, not 5-8)
  2. Prof (peaceful grader, no attendance, no projects or assignments, no quizzes, no midsem and no endsem)
  3. No. of 9 ptrs registered (none)
  4. No. of matkas registered (class strength minus 1)
  5. No. of DDs registered (since they still have enthu to fight) (only below 6 cpi)
  6. No. of non males (maximum - source of notes)
  7. No. of females (maximum - source of daydreams)
  8. If endsem, slot 9 onwards shudnt be taken, as you'll have the exam after everyone else has finished theirs
  9. Last Priority - course name and content

Life of a Certi Fighter

8:00 am July freshie year - made to believe that tech matters, hence participate in all tech events. make atleast 10 robots which do nothing better than consume batteries, and have atleast one of them come in 5th in intra hostel robot making competition (which saw 5 entries/actually only one, rest 4 were mere replica's of the 'One')

9:00 am August freshie year - Dream to make micromouse (inspired by YOUR own micromouse). Start reading about microcontrollers and mice on wikipedia

10:00 am September freshie year - Attend all conferences and seminar talks in department. Aim to publish atleast 20 papers during stay in IIT and understand atleast one of those

11:00 am October freshie year - Enrol yourself to be a 'core' organiser of mood indigo (to explore your 'fun' side)

12:00 pm November freshie year - Form study circle of atleast 10 girls and study in GG

1:00 pm December freshie year - Realise that studying with girls caused more harm than good and believe that mood indigo is your ultimate destiny

2:00 pm January freshie year - Realise that mood indigo is not your ultimate destiny, its techfest (because you 'learn' more, so says tf manager from hostel)

3:00 pm February freshie year - Realise that techfest is not your ultimate desitny, its E-Summit, because there is an entrepreneur in everyone

4:00 pm March freshie year - Realise that E-Summit is not your ultimate destiny, its PAF (beccause every person has a hidden construction worker in him, and working for your hostel should be your sole purpose in life)

5:00 pm April freshie year - Realise that being a freshie was nothing more than being the sweeper in department. Get fucked in endsems. Realise that you have more to contribute than acads, so join a startup as intern

6:00 pm July sophie year - Naya saal, naya enthu. Realise that your wing is your ultimate destiny, fight for post of wing secy (your first REAL post)

7:00 pm August sophie year - Realise that department is ultimate destiny, join project under prof in your 'field of interest' but end up working in prof's field of interest

8:00 pm September sophie year - Start applying abroad for PT, demand airfare accomodation and 1000 euros per month, find out your true worth is no airfare, no accomodation and 200 euroes per month

9:00 pm October sophie year - Renewed enthu for Mood indigo. Be responsible for 'conceptualising' all events as the sole COORDINATOR of mood indigo

10:00 pm November sophie year - Endsem time, further drop in CPI because you were too busy fighting, convince yourself that cpi doesn't matter, Mood Indigo is your ultimate destiny

11:00 pm December sophie year - Suck up to CG, "wipe his toilet", wash his clothes, fill his petty cash forms and meanwhile also work a bit for mood indigo

12:00 am January sophie year - JUST for backup, work in Techfest, help conceptualise all events, wipe new Manager's toilet, wash clothes, get praise (as you already have experience)

1:00 am February sophie year - Interview time for mood indigo and techfest. people around you get called, you keep cellphone in good network area hoping for call. You get one call from CG, asking to send your wingie for interview

2:00 am March sophie year - Final teams announced, you're not in. Don't lose hope, decide to manage lights and sound in PAF. Afterl all 'apne to apne hote hain'...hostel hee sab kuch hai

3:00 am April sophie year - Decide to go for Hostel Cult Co, just win 18 votes. Accept cheap PT abroad in Europe, but realise you can't afford the 50 euro charge required for the thing you need most

4:00 am July thirdie year - Disappointed that you have done nothing worthwhile in PT abroad so take frustration out on new baccha wingies

5:00 am August thirdie year - Looking at wingie seniors making resume, realise that 2 years have passed and you have done nothing worthwhile. Stand for PT nom and lose

6:00 am September thirdie year - Desperate for certificate, join speakers club and try hand at all lit events and speaking events in IIT, realise you don't know english

7:00 am October thirdie year - Since you don't know english, join In Sync and make lots of sisters. Participate in Hostel Gyrations and lose

8:00 am November thirdie year - Apply for PT abroad, but demand less this time and get lesser

9:00 am December thirdie year - Watch batchmates machaaoing in mood i and techfest and hide face

10:00 am January thirdie year - Out of desperation/frustration think of starting own event, form team but end up making "I hate mood I and tf" community on Orkut instead, comprising of mood i and tf rejects

11:00 am February thirdie year - Stand for GSec of hostel, again win only 18 votes. Don't lose hope and apply for GSHA

12:00 pm March thirdie year - Get 18 votes there too (wonder if same people voted for you here as well). Prod in charge, PAF. Engage in lively script discussions but get cutaod by dram junta. PAF is last, prod is worst

1:00 pm April thirdie year - Accept PT in Rashtriya Chemicals, Kolhapur for no pay. Start planning for job and CAT but do nothing

2:00 pm July fourthie year - Resume submission deadline approaches, start mugging for NCFM, realise finance is your ultimate destiny

3:00 pm August fourth year - Become member of all clubs in IIT Bombay, including the most sought after Bridge Club, Unnati, Rang, Staccato, Threebune, Saaz, Insight, Awaaz. Contribute nothing

4:00 pm September fourth year - Attend BCG and McKinsey PPTs. Ask company if they support MBA programme after 2 years of work, thinking that attending PPTs is enough to get a job

5:00 pm October fourth year - BCG McKinsey shortlists out, so are you. Realise you've spent lot of time in PPTs of companies in which you have no scope of getting in. Start blaming MI people for poltu as reason for not getting shortlisted

6:00 pm November fourth year - Study hard for endsems, but realise that CPI increases by only 0.02 in the sem and it also doesn't matter because resume is submitted already

7:00 pm December fourth year - PLACEMENTS! Get eliminated in GDs and screwed in written tests. Get shortlisted for 1 interview in whole of first phase and screw it up because it was based on your courses.

7:30 pm December fourth year - PLACEMENTS phase 2 - get shortlisted for 2 companies, get kicked out of one because you have no finance fundae, get kicked out of other because your 'exceptionally high cpi'

8:00 pm January fourth year - Register 5 days late, pay fine. Forget to pay mess advance, pay fine. Not attend company ppt after registering, pay fine. Get free dinners for the month, thanks to job treat. Get drunk and cry everytime.

9:00 pm February fourth year - Try off campus to friend's and seniors' companies, realise you have no friends or seniors.

10:00 pm March fourth year - Finally get placed in Infosys, Pune. Change cellphone number to avoid calls from people from hometown who are in some third grade unheard of local engineering college and are placed in Infosys, Bangalore.

11:00 pm April fourth year - Get screwed in valfi, luckily no one to listen to your profile. Get FF in course but beg and plead with prof and clean his toilet to get DD. Give fundae to juniors on how to become CG and Manager, how to crack CPI, how to crack A1 job and most importantly LIFE ke fundae

12:00 am SLEEP!!!